So, I was telling someone at work about the larger of my two big plans for next year (yes, I'm being vague; I'm not ready to share yet, but it's a big change), since she's in a position to maybe introduce me to someone who may be helpful for me to know for this adventure. After sharing the plan with her, and some of my reasoning behind it, she says to me,

"Well, good for you for having the balls to do it."

Crap. Now someone's gone and pointed out that it's a somewhat scary proposition. I hate it when that happens.

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When I was four, I complained about something to my Mom and threatened to run away from home if I didn't get my way. My mom calmly replied, "Well, go ahead then. Find another family who'll let you do what you want."

In my infinite four-year-old wisdom, I opened the back door (no backyard - it was a townhouse) and started walking towards the neighborhood that was behind the complex. When I got maybe 20 feet from the house -- and about halfway to the road -- Mom yelled for me (not that I stopped or anything), ran out, grabbed me and hauled me inside.

Telling the story later, Mom commented that I was just so confident in myself and my appeal to the world at large, I had no doubt that some other family would be more than happy to take me -- and on my own terms, no less.

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I can't say that I've felt like I still had that level of self-confidence. But I realized on the drive home today that by doing what I'm planning to do, I'm sort of re-enacting that event in a (semi-)adult context.

I'm not sure if that scares the crap out of me or excites me.

I have a new toy.

Well, I have a new toy that has replaced an earlier incarnation of the same toy, so it's not quite new to me. But it sort of is.

Since my trusty 2nd generation iPod no longer has audio coming out of its headphone jack, I bought myself a new iPod Classic.

Normally, I wouldn't have bought myself such an item so close to Christmas, but I had my reasons. I'm currently working in a cubicle farm, and one of my neighbors has no concept of the "inside voice." Plus, she's due to have her first baby any day now. And she never has a conversation once; oh no, once she gets off the phone with person A, she has to call or, even better, have a conversation across the cubicle wall with person B recounting the entire conversation she *just* had with person A.

None of her conversations take less than 20 minutes.

The need to hide "behind" my iPod is no longer a luxury. If I want to keep any sanity, the ability to drown her out with something I actually *want* to listen to has to be available. So even though I really didn't want to spend the money -- I have plans for next year that require me to save as much money as possible now -- I went ahead and ordered my sanity-saving iPod.

I already spent far too much time today playing games, watching video and going through photos when I should have been working, none of which I could do on my old iPod. As long as I don't get shown the door because of it, it's great!

Anybody else think it's sort of funny to spend a ton of time cleaning your kitchen just prior to a major cooking spree, knowing you'll be getting it even messier than it was when you started cleaning?

Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are celebrating it today. If you have the ability and inclination to do so, make sure you give an extra hug to your loved ones; you'll be thankful you did when you no longer have that option.

Any Pushing Daisies fans out there?

I'm behind in my episodes; I just watched the Halloween episode. I found the following exchange between Ned and Aunt Vivian very apropos to my own current situation.

Ned [speaking of his father, who abandoned him as a young boy]: I know; he was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best at goodbyes...
Aunt Vivian: "Jackass" is as good a word as any.
Ned: Then why do I still miss him?
Aunt Vivian: We see what we want to see.

It's always sort of weird for me when I find deep meaning in TV.

Is it still considered getting thrown under the bus if you do it to yourself?

I'm pretty sure I did just that today. And I did it knowing that I was probably screwing myself when I did it (and not in the good way), but I did it anyway.

I can't even say that I particularly regret doing it. I think it was my way of forcing myself to jump to the metaphorical trapeeze, rather than taking the easy fall into the safety net. Now I just have to see if I end up soaring or landing flat on my face later.

What would you do if you had no fear?

A good friend has asked me that question a few times in the last year or so. When she's asked, I told her I didn't know, because, well, I didn't. I hadn't figured out what my dream was, what goal I wanted to pursue. I had flights of fancy, sure, but not something that I really wanted to pursue.

Well, after feeling like the rug was pulled out from underneath me not too long ago, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-work. There's still plenty to do, but I'm thinking I have at least a short term plan. Okay, I also have a long term goal, but I'm not quite sure how to pursue it. I've got some leads on it, though. I'm trying to stay flexible and see what the universe happens to send my way, then take advantage of what's offered.

It's funny -- I've pretty much gone through the worst-case scenario for my personal life, and while it hasn't been fun, I have survived. I think that something good will even come because of having to go through this. So a lot of that fear that I've lived with for so long has lost it's power over me. If I can recover from this -- thrive, even, at some point -- then what else do I have to lose? My feared worst-case scenario is far less scary in reality that it was in my own head. I can handle this. Maybe not as well as I would like all the time, but I'm handling it in my own way, in my own time, with my own resources. And it's okay.

I can't say I have no fear, but maybe I have less now than I did a year ago.