So yeah, still unemployed. Still looking.

Now, in theory I'm actually freelancing and have been for the last couple of years. Thing is, it's not something I like doing. It's fine when I have a steady client or a contract position - then I don't mind. But actually looking for work isn't something I like doing. I don't like having to put myself out there and trying to convince people to like me enough to hire me. Which is pretty much how I am about most everything in my life, actually. I'm not going to pester somebody to be friends with me; I'm not going to go out of my way to try and persuade someone to go out on a date with me.

And I wonder why I'm unemployed, single and a hermit...

Anyway, after coming to the conclusion a few weeks back that the freelance thing probably isn't my best bet, now some interesting possibilities are maybe going to land in my lap, thanks to a former coworker and current friend. It could prove steady enough that I'd only have to get a couple small jobs here and there to make ends meet, and I'd be working from home. Or wherever, as long as I can plug in my laptop.

Sometimes the universe moves in strange, or at least unexpected, ways. And Punky, expect a phone call - assuming of course you read this before I manage to get in touch with you. I'll be asking for some advice.

As I've mentioned before, things aren't all that rosey in my world right now. Not horrible, but not good, either. But I know a lot of that is a direct result of things I am (or more accurately, am not) doing. The scads and scads of time I spend on the computer probably don't help. I'm not just surfing, but spending hours and hours a day playing little mindless games. Sadly, the mindlessness of the games allows me to spend a little too much time thinking, and I don't know, maybe a bit of niggling guilt that I should be doing other things with my time tends to turn those thoughts to unpleasant topics. Nothing sociopathic or anything, but things I really can't do anything to change, or I'll start having hypothetical conversations in my head that end up being ten times worse than a conversation that would actually take place.

Monday evening, I decided to try a bit of an experiment. Could I go a day without getting on the computer? Sure, I've gone days without getting on a computer before, but usually that only happens when I'm on a trip, not when I'm sitting at home with nothing better to do.

So all day yesterday, the laptop sat unopened and unplugged. The desktop wasn't touched.

I survived.

Sure, I had my moments when I was tempted to grab the computer, but I resisted. At one point a recruiter I've been talking to called and wanted some writing samples sent to her, but I reminded her that I'd already given her a CD with them on it, which she still had. Besides, I just told her I wasn't at my computer that day, but I could get some to her today if she still needed me to.

But really, it wasn't a big deal to leave the computer off. And I had a pretty good day. My mood was better, probably because I got a few things done. Nothing huge, just laundry, changing the sheets, cleaning the few dishes in the kitchen, making a really tasty dinner (if I do say so myself), and getting some little jewelry projects done. Oh, and cleared a few hours off the Tivo.

Nobody even noticed I wasn't online. My Facebook profile didn't explode on me or anything - though I ended up missing the hubbub about the new terms of service. I got no life-changing emails or anything like that - not even any offers to help some poor Nigerian price get hold of his money or anything. The world went on, and I was a bit happier.

I'm not saying I would ever swear off the computer completely, but maybe I need to start being a bit more aware of the time I do spend with the laptop heating up the tops of my thighs.

I've been trying to keep my spirits at least a little up, but this weekend I got to the end of my rope. I spent far more time crying on Sunday than I have in ages.

Valentine's Day wasn't pretty for me, at least not the evening. Most of the day, I was actually fine. But sometime around dinnertime, my mind went down an unhappy path. I had planned to go out with a friend to see an 80s cover band, but a storm came in around 7:30 or so, and the place we were going is about 50 miles from me. (I live on the outskirts of Houston - and the bar is too, but on the opposite end of the metroplex.)

Called the friend to cancel, but she told me that the storm had rolled through her neck of the woods (she lives only a couple of miles from the bar) and had only lasted for about half an hour. And she mentions that one of the people who's supposed to be there is this one guy I had met a couple of weeks ago, because she thinks he has a crush on the band's lead singer. Now, I haven't told her that I'm interested in this guy, and I have at least a spark of hope that he might return said interest, since we had at least a decent conversation when we met.

Since guy will be there, I decide to get myself showered and dressed and go out. I figure it beats sitting home, I can at least make an effort to see if things might go my way with guy, and even if it doesn't, there might be other options. The drummer in the band had shown an interest on Match, and there could have been other possibilities there.

(Just to give you an idea of my mental state at the time, I will take a moment to interject that I had considered taking the time to have a relaxing bath before going out, but I thought it would be a bad idea with the lightening outside. I didn't want to risk a freak accident of me getting electrocuted in the bath. Especially since I realized that if it happened, I'd be one of those poor people who'd be dead in my house for weeks before somebody missed me and came to check the house. Even sadder, I was less concerned about me dying than the fact that my poor dog would probably end up starving to death before somebody showed up.)

I actually felt like I looked pretty good. The makeup went well, the hair had cooperated for once, and I was wearing one of my favorite dresses. I even successfully find the bar without getting lost - which is an impressive feat these days. Then it went to custard.

Bar is a dive. And mostly empty, except for a few rednecks and lots of cigarette smoke (since we're outside city limits). My friend is nowhere to be seen. Band has a different drummer tonight instead of the interested one. And I'm way overdressed. At least the band isn't too bad. I make my way to the bar and order a drink.

Friend shows up about five minutes later. Guy comes over to table not long after and proceeds to moon over band's lead singer. Even friend mentioning to guy that lead singer has a boyfriend doesn't end the mooning. And I spend most of the evening at the table by myself, since friend is flitting around chatting to band and other "groupies," and guy is busy buying drinks for the band and hovering around the dance floor. Only other interest I generate is a drunk guy who tries to pick me up on his way out the door. Shockingly, I'm not interested. But I am feeling let down by friend (since she lamented that she wanted to hang out with me when I first called to cancel) and beat down by cupid. Realize I would have been better off sitting at home alone watching a movie - wouldn't have used the gas, spent the money on drinks, or have my hair and clothes smelling like an ashtray.

So Sunday was not a good day. Once I had finished crying and calmed down finally, I decided I'm done. I've been trying to be how I'm not, and I'm sick of it. I'm not going to meet someone to date online. I'm not going to meet someone to date at a bar, be it upscale wine bar or redneck dive bar. (Especially not the latter.) I'm not going to find a job by going to these networking events I've been dragging myself to - especially since I don't mingle worth crap when I'm there. It's just not me. I'm not saying I'm a social recluse, but I don't like feeling fake and doing things I don't want to do, spending time with people I have no interest in.

So yeah, I give up. If I end up alone, then so be it. I'm tired of this crap.

You know I'm nervous about how things will turn out over the next several months - I actually watched the president's press conference last night. I think that might be the first time I've ever watched one from beginning to end. I know things will continue to get worse before they get better on the economic front, but it still sucks.

I'm still looking for a job. It's not something I'm happy about, but what are you going to do? I haven't even gotten any decent nibbles on the contract jobs I've been applying for. I'm trying not to get too disheartened, but it's been three months - I'm beginning to get discouraged. Technically, I've been past discouraged on several occasions, but I've been able to bounce back after a while each time. But it's getting harder and harder. And I am so over dealing with recruiters/staffing agents. I mean, sometimes there's no choice, but it's such an annoyance. I hate necessary evils. (I'm not saying recruiters are evil; they're just doing their jobs. But sometimes their jobs suck.)

I knew I was spoiled, but I'm starting to realize just how much so. Okay, I've been realizing it for a while now - New Zealand was quite an eye-opener in that respect - but it's getting reinforced. Not that long ago, I didn't think much of just dropping $30 or $40 at the iTunes store, or planning a weekend trip, or picking up some new clothes when I wanted to. Now I'm avoiding going to the grocery store until I have to. I'm not living off ramen or anything, but it's been a bit of a shock. I knew I needed and wanted to shift away from the materialistic consumption I can be guilty of, but this was more than I wanted.

Since I have time on my hands, I've been doing a tiny bit on my baby, TripDiva.com. I have an idea for a short video for the site, but I'm wondering if it would be gratuitous. There are only two, tops, that I have in mind at the moment, both about packing. I mean, I'd like to have more at some point, but those would be destination related, and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, so those will be quite a ways down the pike. So I don't know if doing a packing video now would be out of place. Plus I haven't figured out how I would film myself - I'd need to play with angles and whatnot, and it simply might not work for me to do it all myself (which really defeats the purpose, since I'd want to both be onscreen and behind the camera). Any thoughts?

The Web is a dangerous place when you're feeling nostalgic.

So there's a... whaddya call it... "meme" going around on Facebook at the moment: 25 Random Things About Me. I got tagged by one of my high school friends whom I haven't seen since graduation and have only spoken to maybe twice in the - eek! - 16 1/2 years since then. So combine the having to come up with 25 factoids with already having a link to the past (and throw in a glass of wine), and you have a great recipe for wandering down memory lane.

I checked in on my college crush's blog, which I hadn't done in a while. He seems to be doing well, though I must confess I keep peeking to see if he and his wife are still together. And they are. Darn it. (Okay, I really don't mean that; it's always nice to see somebody actually have a solid relationship after 10+ years, and even if they weren't together wouldn't make my life any better. But a gal has to dream every once in a while.)

Then I went looking for my first boyfriend. I've done this before and had no luck, but apparently he's gotten his own Facebook page since the last time I looked. I can't see his profile, but I could see his profile picture. Hoo-boy, the years haven't been kind to him. Well, to be fair, it might not be a good photo of him, but he's looking a bit, well, let's go with Kid Rock-ish. Hair is sorta lanky looking and longer than looks good. (I don't have a problem with longer hair on guys, but it just doesn't suit everyone. And even in high school it didn't suit him when it started growing out.) Still living in North Carolina, in the same town that it looks like several of my former classmates ended up in. Larger than the BFE they came from, but still not exactly a cultural Mecca, either. And I'm guessing he's married, as one of his friends is a gal with his family name in her hyphenated surname. It makes sense that he's married at 36, but it's still weird to think of.

I'm probably more curious than I have any right to be about what he's doing now, but I won't be doing much about it. The Facebook page is all I could find when I googled him, at least as far as I can tell. His name isn't all that uncommon, so I only waded through the first three pages of results. (And on an unrelated note, I find it amusing that my browser's spell check flags the word "Facebook" but not "googled".) I know I did kinda dirty by him - not cheating or anything, but I did get awfully pissy with him at the end through no fault of his own. I try to remind myself I was still a kid, but it's still not something I'm particularly proud of.

It's funny, though. That bout of high school drama provides an interesting comparison to some of what I've been through in the not too distant past. A little perspective is a good thing, I think.

In response to my previous post complaining about online dating, Jules very accurately asked what happened to going out and meeting people.

I have to be honest; that is the approach I would prefer. Except it isn't working for me, and it never really has. (For those of you who need to catch up at home, my dating life has always been... sparse may be the kindest term for it. I've only dated - and I'm applying the term rather liberally here - three guys in my life. In case you missed that, let me repeat: In. My. Life. And one of them, I never even went out on an actual date with, so it would really fall more under the category of semi-protracted hooking up, except with both actually referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Ah, gotta love those college days...)

I know weak link in "the meeting in person" chain is me. I'm incredibly oblivious to whether or not people notice me because of attraction or otherwise. For me to realize a guy is interested, he usually has to be disgustingly obvious about it. And let's face it, the guys who are disgustingly obvious about it tend to be, well, scary. They just come off as desperate, and I don't want desperate - at least not obviously so. (Speaking of college days, I will always remember this one guy who lived on my floor in the dorm who had a habit of popping out of his room as I walked past. Yeah, that just smacked of somebody likely to win me over. He had to spend ridiculous amounts of time looking out his door's peephole to catch me as often as he did. Though to be fair, he apparently did it to a couple of the other girls who lived on the floor, too.)

At least online, any interest is expressed in a way I can't realistically miss, or misinterpret. Too bad I'm no more impressed with those who've expressed said interest online than I am with those who have done so in person back in the day. *sigh* But at least this way I figure I'm at least trying to do something about my dateless state, even if it hasn't proven to be terribly effective so far.

I'm pretty sure the concept of online dating is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Maybe it's a subset of pestilence?

I've usually found it a somewhat depressing endeavor, but I would like to start dating, so I figure it's necessary evil. And I do know people who've found if not mates for life, at least reasonably long-term romantic success online, so I've bitten the bullet and am giving it a go. But I have to say, I'm not exactly impressed so far.

My big gripe at the moment is the "body type" question. I know women tend to me more critical of such things than men, but I've seen the photos some of the guys who list themselves as "about average" have posted - their idea of average is quite a bit different than mine. But heaven forbid they end up with a woman who describes herself as "curvy". (Guess what I listed myself as - even though I know full well the average size for a woman in the US these days is a 14, which I'm actually under for the first time in ages. But I still have curves, damnit, and I like them.)

I'm trying not to take it personally - because it isn't, not even remotely. But it's still disheartening.

I'm stealing this from Lenore_Happenstance, who stole it from someone herself. As I'm currently feeling a bit defeated (which has been a common thing of late), I think it's a good time for me to answer these and remind myself that things are a whole lot better than I think they are at the moment.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Hoo-boy, do you want the short list or the long one? I got my DBA, which isn't a big thing, but it was new for me. I did a video production course. I lived overseas for several months. I got a job as a housekeeper at a hotel. I bungy jumped. I got my belly button pierced. I hiked up a glacier. And I'm pretty sure there's a bit more, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I haven't made resolutions in ages, at least not consciously. But I did make myself a list of my life goals yesterday (see comment about defeated-feeling above), so I can start doing things to feel like I'm accomplishing something.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not anyone particularly close, but a friend of a friend did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank goodness.

5. Did you visit anywhere exciting? Um, yeah. Though does seven months count as a visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? I know it's cheesy, but how about a boyfriend? Oh, and a permanent, steady job, pretty please?

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? April 1 - it was the day I left for New Zealand.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making a new life for myself while in New Zealand.

9. What was your biggest mistake? I don't know, since there's no way for me to know what was a mistake and what wasn't. I made my choices, and I'm happy to live with the consequences of those choices.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Well, I have an eye infection at the moment that isn't letting me wear my contact lenses. It's not a biggie, but other than a couple of colds, I got nuthin' else.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My brother's plane ticket to New Zealand. (Thought I was going to say my ticket, didn't you? So did I, but I felt awesome to share with my bro.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My new friends in New Zealand. They reached out to someone who was away from home, who was only going to be around for a few months, and made me feel welcome and appreciated.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? To be honest, my former best friend's. But I'm working on that, since the only person's behavior who should bother me is my own.

14. Where did most of your money go in 2008? Most of it went into my mortgage payments. The next biggest chunk would be on travel expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The All Blacks. Who knew I would have turned into a rugby girl?

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "Why Does Love Do This To Me?" by The Exponents. They're a Kiwi band, and the song is used in a commercial for Air New Zealand's sponsorship of the All Blacks.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? A bit of both. I was happier on a work front last year. It's a bit of a mixed bag on the personal front, but I'm probably happier on a personal level now.

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner

iii. richer or poorer? Richer in life experiences, poorer in the bank balance department.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd have spent more time hiking. It was much more than I've ever done, but I'd like to have done more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Less shopping. It's sacrilege, I know, but I really have too much crap in my life. I'm working on paring it down now.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my brother in the morning, on my own for the afternoon, and with the sibling at a family friend's place in the evening.

21. Did you fall in love in '08? Nope; too busy trying to get over having fallen in love with the wrong person in 2006.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Much as I hate to admit it, The Girls Next Door. It made me feel a bit more connected to the US while I was gone. And I've become addicted to House in the last month or so.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I wish it was easy for me to answer this one, but it's not. I don't want to hate anyone, but I kinda do, and I didn't quite hate him at this time last year.

24. What was the best book you read? It's Just a Date! by Greg Behrendt and his wife. (I can't be assed to look up how to spell her name at the moment.) If I'm going to read self-help books, at least I can read ones that sometimes make me chuckle.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? It's a tough call between Bell X1 and Frightened Rabbit.

26. What did you want and get? Confirmation that I can make a new life for myself if I decide to move.

27. What did you want and not get? Acceptance, but I'm working on it.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I got surprised by having my desk decorated by my caring coworkers in Christchurch, got surprised by having flowers sent to me by my caring friends back home, and went out for Tex-Mex for dinner. Oh, and I jumped off a bridge as a present to myself the weekend before my birthday. 35 is the magic number.

29. What’s one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having a fling with a hottie with an accent would have been nice.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? More or less the same way I would always describe my fashion - bohemian nouveau.

31. What kept you sane? Getting out and hiking. I really miss it since getting back to Texas.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's a tough call between Dan Carter and Richie McCaw. (Both rugby players for the Crusaders and the All Blacks, and both too young for me, but there you go.)

33. What political issue stirred you the most? The Christchurch City Council's decision on their new building. What can I say, I was working for the Council at the time.

34. Who do you miss the most? My mom.

35. Who was the best new person you met? My friend Jessica in Christchurch

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008? Fear isn't a good reason not to do something.

37. What are your New Years Resolutions for 2009? As I said, I really don't do resolutions. But I am working on a few areas of improvement, like expanding my social circle, staying in shape (not going well so far since getting back), and getting my finances in better order.

So there you go, my snapshot of 2008. It was a good year for me, even if I'm not thrilled with my circumstances right at this moment. But it will pass, and I've got faith that 2009 will be good to me.

I would have entitled the post "Is this thing on?", but that would imply my Xanga site. I want to refer to my phone. Not my home phone, since that things has done a decent amount of ringing, but not actually anyone I want to talk to. (I never bothered signing up for the No Call list, since I have Caller ID, and I just don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number. It works wonders.)

But the cell phone number has been given to all sorts of people that I'd like to call me: friends I haven't spoken to since I've gotten home (or have only spoken to briefly) and whom I've left messages with; my insurance adjuster, whom I'd really like to ask some questions about my insurance claim; hiring managers or whatever for the jobs I've applied for; roofers who I really want to have put a tarp on my roof before yet more water gets into my house during the next rain shower. It's getting really frustrating, and if it wasn't for the fact that I have gotten calls from friends who actually do return my messages, I'd start to wonder if there was something wrong with my phone.

It's frustrating. I'm doing what I can to get my life moving along in the way I want it to go, but there are a few roadblocks that I have to talk to other people to remove - and they're not talking. Ugh.

In other news, I'm freaked out that Thanksgiving is this week. Which means Christmas is right around the corner. I have no idea what I'm going to do for gifts this year, since my discretionary income is nil until I find a job. (And even then, it's probably not going to be much...) I have a bad habit of overshopping at Christmas, which is on top of my tendencies to shop 'til I drop under normal circumstances. I'm going to have to be creative this year - but at least I have time on my hands at the moment, and a whole lot of craft-type supplies at my disposal thanks to the aforementioned tendency to overshop. I know it'll be fine - I'm just not quite sure how it'll be fine yet. Luckily, most of my friends are female, so I can make jewelry gifts for them. I just don't have a clue yet what to do for my brother. There's a serious possibility there may be one of those "coupon books" in his future for little manual labor tasks. Which would work much better if he and I lived in the same town, but we must adapt and adjust, mustn't we? Or, well, *me* - not all of you have to adjust, you lucky employed people you.

My last bit of ramble for the day, I promise: I went to a mixer on Friday for communications-types and met a friend of a friend. In the course of chatting, the topic of my recent sojourn in New Zealand came up, and I ended up talking about my experience with a bridge and a bungy cord, and why I did it when I'm about the last person one would realistically expect to jump off a perfectly good bridge. Basically, it simply boiled down to me challenging myself to do something that scared the living s#!t out of me, because once it was done, I would know I had done something I didn't think I could do, that intimidated me, but I had the guts to do it anyway and live to tell the tale. And this guy said the greatest thing I think I've heard from anyone I didn't know in ages: "Strength is overcoming others. Might is overcoming yourself. You are mighty." He made my night - heck, he made my week. And I warned him I was going to steal that line for myself; I only wish I could claim I came up with it on my own. But I have to attribute it to Ray. I don't recall his last name at the moment, but I have to give props where they're due.

Have a great week, everyone, and enjoy the short one for those in the States who get a long weekend. And my sympathy to all of you who'll be working on Black Friday - I did it for a number of years, so I know your pain.

Goodness, it's been quiet around here. Guess people have more pressing things to do than blog or read other people's blogs. That's been me for a while now, at any rate.

But now I'm back on home ground, with my lovely broadband access reconnected for a flat monthly fee, rather than paying by the minute or by the megabyte. (Sheesh, internet access in New Zealand is expensive, relatively speaking.) I have to set up my wireless network again *grumble*, but I'll get it taken care of at some point soon. I may not have set it up myself the first time, but I'm not technologically inept, either. I just have to find the instructions - and Google is a marvelous thing.

I haven't done as much as I could be doing in my job search, but at least I have applied for a few things, registered with a recruiter, and have an interview tomorrow. It's nowhere near my house, but I'm used to that. *sigh*

It's so weird to think that Christmas is around the corner. Having just come away from spring, my sense of where we are in the year is shot to hell. At least I've already gotten two Christmas presents for friends, so that's something. And I'm pretty sure a lot of people will be getting made gifts this year. *sigh again* Come to think of it, since I have time on my hands at the moment, I really should get going on some of those...

Hope everyone is doing well! Take care, folks!